I operate in a fog. Sometimes it’s a dense fog and sometimes it’s a very thin veil, but it’s always there just a little bit. It’s distinctly possible that I just need new contact lenses.
Obviously I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this handicap (albeit through a fog), and trying to break down what is physical and what is emotional and most likely what is both.
What part of this fog that lingers is still shock? I do still feel like I’m in shock after Pete’s death, and that seems crazy to me after almost a year and a half.
Since the day he died, I’ve felt a buzzing on the top of my head, a vibration, a dizziness. It has improved somewhat over time, but it never goes away. Is my blood pressure off the charts? I’ve seen my doctors, and I’m okay.
I don’t want this stress to rule me, but for now, I think it does. Whether I’m conscious of it or not–it’s always there. I exercise (not enough), I meditate (not enough), but what is enough? Until it goes away? Until the past is undone? Until I forget I’m stressed? Not gonna happen.
I’m tough, I’m determined, I’m diligent, but I’m still foggy, and I have to fight it on a daily basis.
I do believe that this issue will improve over time, but sometimes I think that I have really rearranged my brain cells. I’ve lost my sense of time and seasons. The number of times I have to stop and think “Is it almost Fall or almost Summer?” is countless. “Am I closing in on Christmas, or moving away from the holidays? Is it basketball season or baseball or football season? Of course it’s almost June, and people are still playing hockey so it stands to reason I’d be confused. Nonetheless, is it Saturday or Monday? I can’t seem to shake this phenomenon of time warp.
I know we all suffer from the “Where did I park my car?” or “Where did I leave my keys?” syndrome. This is different. It’s a tape loop. I wake up and fight being pissed. I may read or exercise or meditate, then I get dressed and get to work. I work, I eat, I shower, can’t wait to get into bed and do it all again. I’ll be honest-I have variation in my day, in my work, and I travel quite a bit. But in my inner mind it’s just day after day with very few reference points. Sort of like trying to drive in fog.
I guess the whole “one day at a time” concept applies here. I can’t wait to wake up and get my day going, yet as soon as I do, I can’t wait for it to be over so I can go to sleep. A ceaseless uneasiness.
Do you ever feel like you are driving through an endless fog? I look forward to reading your comments below.